Revealing the rather withheld phase of moving abroad
Postcard 30th June ‘24: The murky waters of expat bureaucracy realms
I gave up on sending a postcard for this Sunday (not after beating myself up for it, but I made peace with it).
By Friday night, I did not want to do anything but curl up on my bed (it was way too hot to crawl underneath the blanket) and have a seriously good cry. Which is what I did.
Not because I was second-guessing our decision to move to Denmark. I was exhausted. Once Sven managed to make this uncontrollably sobbing bundle of tears, messy hair and sweat (sorry, I said it is hot in Germany; also, crying is a whole body exercise) breath again, we realised:
I had rapidly built up a full-blown anxiety level of “never doing enough” this week. If I pass a certain stress threshold, my response is not flight, freeze or fawn. My response is to fight with every fibre, nerve, and brain cell that, over years of training, I have been conditioned to be able to function in hyper-productivity.
Like you can sleep when you are dead.
You can rest when tasks A to AZ are finished.
Because you are doing this ten-minute evening meditation. Which you hate. But you do it. So that will save you.
Yeah sure. Because all of this was always a good strategy. It never has been.
Before you worry, I am all fine. I needed this cry. It’s my best way to get the tension out of my body. Of course, I know better—not to let it come this far. But when life gets upside down, old patterns and survival modes tend to be (re-)activated super readily. I also might want to re-visit my toolbox of what I really like to do when being stressed.
So, for Friday night, Sven sentenced me to read a fantasy book on the balcony to give my body AND brain the rest they needed. No meditation, self-help book, podcast, yoga, or breathwork was allowed—just good, simple reading with a hardcover book.
Now to:
THIS phase of moving abroad
I have the feeling that no one actually has time, energy, and mental resources to share about this very phase of moving abroad—the immediate week(s) after you made the final decision as we did.
This week has been the first “back to normal” week after accepting the PhD offer in Denmark. In hindsight, it is such a strange week. The past weeks leading towards the decision were tense. The excitement and nervousness during the interview stages. Visiting Aarhus. The deep conversations. The decision. Telling our friends and families.
The focus you are looking for is temporarily not available
Getting into a PhD fellowship and relocating to Denmark
It all was time- and energy-consuming.
But there was a life before this whole opportunity came up. So, having made the decision, there is this weird limbo of “urgently having to get back on track to some items that had to suddenly got parked - aka your normal life so far” and “all the things that you need and also might want to do before moving abroad”.
Which is in 63 days, as the countdown in our digital rental contract is now telling us every time we wonder about it:
So, first of all, I approached this week by getting as much done as possible for my acoustic research job and, secondly, by getting as much done as possible for planning our relocation. You see, it’s the max-max principle in full beauty here.
Depending on your life situation, experience, personality… you might chuckle at this countdown and just send me a Taylor song:
I get it. It is not so unusual for people to move abroad. It is still not super unusual beyond your 30s. However, it is more likely that there is somewhat of an established life situation. Like having a husband. A dog. And some kind of material and - let’s call them immaterial - things to take care of. And I literally see no one talking about THIS. It is not anymore as simple as switching your address back to the kid’s room at your parents, dumping the stuff from your shared flat there too, taking your bags and moving abroad.
Been there. Done that. Kind of.
Things become more complex. And you also want to ensure that everyone remains fairly happy during all of this. Luckily, there are no children in our situation. But you see, it can always become more complicated.
You start wondering how others solve similar puzzles. There is no one vlogging, posting, or podcasting about this phase, and you are trying to figure out how to do it all.
And you are standing (or sitting) in awe. Admiring the immaterial things of an established life situation.
Different types of moving abroad in an “established life situation”
Every becoming an expat situation is potentially unique. Still, I can think of three main categories of non-lonely-wolf but pack-constellation cross-border relocations in your 30s (and beyond):
Type A: The couple or family who always had the mutual dream of living abroad.
They decided on the country probably long ago.
They are not set on what they will do for a living since moving to that country is the main driver.
They a) have had sufficient time to think everything through and plan, and (or) b) have a “we are fine while figuring out along the way” mindset. Of course, this whole damn project is an adventure - for everyone involved.
Type B: The couple or family where one partner is dispatched to another country by their employer.
In most cases, they can expect a certain degree of clarification, administration, logistics - and costs - covered by the employer. Especially if it is super short notice.
There are also things in place when moving back.
There are still challenges for the partner moving along, but usually, the employer wants to ensure the whole family gets the support they need.
Type C: The couple or family where one partner accepts an opportunity abroad
The new employer may or may not cover a certain degree of clarification, administration, logistics, and costs. That most likely depends on the type of position.
The timeline is rather short.
You don’t know if and where you will move afterwards.
It is rather challenging, especially for the other partner.
So yes, I would consider us to fall under type C.
We discussed possibly moving abroad since I finished my master’s in October 2023—and even before that. However, you don’t start with the nitty-gritty details without knowing where to and when. We knew that Sven’s employer would generally be fine with him working from a different country within the EU/Schengen (including Norway).
So here is a rundown of how quickly everything happened:
31 April ‘24: Applied for the position
17 May ‘24: First interview (remote)
23 May ‘24: Second interview (remote)
8 - 12 June ‘24: Visit to Aarhus (third interview)
18 June ‘24: Accepting
24 June ‘24: Signing rental contract
In a nutshell: within 1.5 months, we went from casually seeing in which direction things are developing to having a set plan to start life as expats in hecking 2 months.
The research team at Aarhus University has been generous and caring, giving us time and space to make the decision as a family. They have been supporting us throughout the decision process and, whenever they can, continue to provide contacts or details on clarifications. However, in academia, especially for PhD students, there is no such thing as relocation support or service (I am not complaining here; it is just to explain our situation).
But what the f*ck do you guys have to do? Pack up stuff, move.
I am probably going to write about this at some stage, too.
You even got a freaking rental contract signed already. How the heck did this happen so quickly?
I hear you. This is a topic for another postcard, too.
But for now, there are other priorities: Well-established life and what I call “immaterial” things attached to it.
So welcome to navigating our little life raft into:
The murky waters of cross-border administration
I am talking about:
residency status
place of employment
taxes
social insurances & health care
finances
pensions
insurances policies
vehicle imports
animal imports
We are moving within the EU. There are more or less no physical borders, but legislation and administration have borders, and they are strikingly inscrutable.
By now, our lovely Notion project plan starts looking like your quest map in Skyrim (or any other open-world game). At some point within the story, you are no longer sure which task, character, and hint belong to which quest and storyline. The only thing you know is that you lack proficiency in all skills. You also lack the resources (availability, gemstones) to find a wise man with a long white beard to level up your skills. Seriously, one specialised agency we contacted wants 500,00€ for a first introduction advisor call. They only have appointments again starting at the end of August.
We came to the section where I will write about at least some of these quests to make the whole murkiness more relatable. But just finding a structure and phrasing to them is seriously challenging - probably another reason no one talks about it. So let’s stick with parallel storylines and quests scheme here:
Storyline “The highly skilled mage of tech”
Storyline “The arcane researcher”
Storyline “The wagons of the roads”
Storyline “The severely short-legged spirit wolf”
Storyline “The general fortification charms and spells of life”
Storyline “The highly skilled mage of tech”
Main quest: Sven should be able to continue working with his current employer by working remotely from Denmark with occasional international business travel. Ideally, he should be able to see a medical specialist in Germany and receive related treatment through the German healthcare system.
Unlocked hints so far:
His main place of employment, taxation and health care will be in Denmark
His employer does not have a legal entity in Denmark
Newly arising side quests so far:
How does it work to be employed in Germany, but pay taxes in Denmark?
How to keep a certain voluntary health insurance status in Germany?
Storyline “The arcane researcher”
Main quest: Fabienne will be employed in Denmark, working in Denmark. It is a pretty straightforward quest, but some interesting side quests require additional research.
Unlocked hints so far:
Her main place of employment, place of employer, taxation and health care will be in Denmark
She should close her freelance business in Germany
Newly arising side quests so far:
How to open a small freelance business in Denmark?
Can she keep a small other income stream from Germany?
With the official PhD offer, there was a small checkbox about three different pension scheme options, which sent her down a rabbit hole of researching what might be the best option.
Salaries in Denmark (academia) consist of three different parts. One (smaller) part is negotiable - by a union representing her. How do these unions ( guilds 😂) work and which one will she choose to represent her?
Storyline “The wagons of the roads”
Main quest: Selling the two cars and switching to an electric car.
Unlocked hints so far:
We must get a Danish license plate and insurance
Driving a vehicle on a German leasing contract in Denmark is not allowed
Cars in Denmark (leasing and buying) are more expensive than in Germany
Registering a German car in Denmark requires officially importing the vehicle which comes with various inspections, fees, and taxes which can involve up to 25% of the vehicles price!
Newly arising side quests so far:
Which electric car to get? (We already have some preferences)
Buying in Germany + import vs. Buying in Denmark vs. Leasing in Denmark
What to do with the car insurance policy in Germany (Fabienne has a seriously good one from her grandfather which should be kept in case of returning to Germany afterwards)?
Storyline “The severely short-legged spirit wolf”
Main quest: Bringing the family’s wolf (corgi Molly) along.
Unlocked hints so far:
Registering a dog from another EU country in Denmark is fairly straightforward.
She needs to have liability insurance.
It is recommended to have a pet health insurance.
Her German surgery and emergency insurance is not valid in Denmark (for longer stays than vacations).
Newly arising side quests so far:
The formal registration process and a small fee (no-brainer).
Unregistering Molly from Germany.
Clarification concerning the applicability of current liability insurance in Germany + potentially new insurance in Denmark
Deciding on health pet insurance (remaining insured in Germany + getting a Danish one vs. only getting a Danish one but risking higher prices or exclusion upon potential return to Germany)
Storyline “The general fortification charms and spells of life”
Main quest: What to do about any existing insurance such as general liability, household insurance, legal insurance, etc., which are probably all related to being a German registered in Germany?
Unlocked hints so far:
None. A conspirative session with a sage companion is scheduled for next week
Phew, I hope you are still with me. I told you it’s a pretty “annoying” and cumbersome phase. It’s not giving me nightmares (yet). But I so,
wrote a brilliant post about how to deal with nightmares:
We will get through it with a tonne of cross-border wisdom we never were super keen on acquiring 🙂 And with coffee. Coffee always helps.
About this week’s postcard
On my desk
Research Jobs
Our home office space reached 27°C not only because of the heat outside but also because my gaming computer ran day and night to process the acoustic data. And my brain is still boiling from convincing MatLab to plot the graphics in the way I want them to look.
Publications
We just got notified that the popular science magazine we pitched an article idea for wants to collaborate, so I will draft the article in July. If it gets published later this year, you will all be able to read it 🙂
Still no update on the manuscript in peer-review.
On my ears, page or screen
Not much. And the Huberman Podcast I listened to was not my fav.
So, here is the Fantasy Book I started reading. "Iron Flame" by Rebecca Yarros.
I highly recommend if you like Harry Potter with a blend of Fifty Shades of Grey, located around a War College, dragons and a female main character. Iron Flame is already the second book in the series. So you might want to start with "Fourth Wing"
But be careful, it’s addictive. I already made
fall for it!Things that made me smile, laugh, think, cry or curse this week
Smile & laugh
We made it to 160 subscribers! This is +30 within two weeks. Warm welcome to the new cadets on this life raft adventure! You will be stoked (I mean soaked) in no time.
I don’t like sharing about any “success” or “growth” or “celebrate milestones”. It is just not what comes easily to me. However, I made the decision to share my newsletter growth from time to time. a) for my own tracking purposes and b) to show how a newsletter might grow organically. I am not a conventional writer. I am not doing any statistics about Substack (I actually had to go back to my postcard from two weeks ago to see how many subscribers I reported there).
The way Sven and I discuss most of the things tightly together - and also managed to spend quite a bit of time together this week.
Being able to write this LONG postcard despite thinking I would not deliver anything this Sunday
The lovely comments and feedback I got on my post on Wednesday
Watching the European Championships game Germany: Denmark. What a coincidence in itself. But the thunderstorms yesterday night led to the fact that the match was paused. Niagara waterfalls were coming off the stadium roof, and people were dancing in them!
Taking my camera to capture some of the atmosphere during a freediving session of my dive club fellows.
Think, cry & curse
We covered that sufficiently for this week above
Up next
Well, next week, I will still focus on my acoustic research job and try to make some progress on clearing up the waters around the admin aspects of our move. But I also want to focus on not trying to solve everything at once.
I will keep you postcarded.
Hug,
Wow, I really felt this. Moving abroad is such a huge step, and it's refreshing to read about the real, messy parts of it. Thanks for sharing your honest experience. Hang in there, and good luck with everything! Lots and lots and lots of love and hugs Fab 😍💕💖 And thank you so much for the shoutout 🫶🏻 Means absolutely everything to me 💗
Good luck indeed. Moving abroad is both a great adventure and a giant pain in the arse. Confusing bureaucracy, contradictions, confusion...all part of the fun Making new friends, fish out of water, learning a new language, a new way of thinking, a new way of doing things, priceless, as they say. Finding out who you are, how strong or weak you are. You are lucky to be doing it WITH someone. Many people just do it on their own. So try imagaing isolation and fear of the unknown, instability doubled or tripled when you are doing it all on your own.