Unpacking why this move hits differently

Postcard 8th September ‘24: Navigating emotions between the logistics of moving abroad

Brace yourself, we have a lot to talk about.

My body is killing me.

I can’t wait to relax in the Gulf of Thailand for 10 days. The last weeks, and especially the last days, were tough work. My Apple Watch recorded between 17,000 and 20,000 steps per day just from packing and helping people carry stuff that we sold.

Here is a mini-timelapse of me packing things in our basement:

These days were followed by another two-day road trip to Aarhus, stopping at my parents in Köln to pick up my dad.

But recovery will have to wait. Tomorrow, the moving truck with all our belongings will arrive in Aarhus, and we will get the keys to our new home. So we have five days for (a first) moving in, registering in Denmark, and also having a quick meeting at the university. Then we drive back to Karlsruhe. And THEN there is ONLY a long-distant flight separating my aching muscles from doing exactly NOT MUCH.

Today, I don’t want to discuss logistics, organisation and the actionable elements related to moving your whole life abroad.

Today, I want to talk heart and soul since they are often neglected during these significant transitions. They show up late in the evening when your body is exhausted, sipping on a hot chocolate (yep, that is my go-to soul drink in the evening, even if it is summer). But something is keeping it from going to bed. Which is mind. Battling against heart and soul. And against body, which desperately needs more than 5-6 hours of sleep right now.

And yet, there is usually no time (or priority) to step on this battleground actively.

So, if we take the time to reflect, what do our rational minds tend to do? Comparing to past experiences. Like:

“You moved a zillion times in your life already. What is the matter now? You should know the deal. Since, in the end, it is YOU who triggered this move. So whatever arises, suck it up. Live with it. Don’t make such a fuss about whatever little heart has to say. And if you dare to do, you are probably not ready for this move! It might have been the wrong decision!”

Phew…you need to calm down, dude!

So for today, let’s take out the body and mind of this battlefield scene.

In this post:

• Inventory of moves in my life

• 7 aspects of this move not being a new chapter. It’s a damn new book

• Opening up about a permanent (new) companion

Maybe, all those thoughts and emotions might just be longing for being as gently wrapped as our Marshall speaker or this ridiculously thin decanter.

Corgi in a bottle 🧞‍♂️🐾✨. Wishes might be granted in an act of caprice.

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Inventory of moves in my life

You can skip this section if you don’t want to deal with the details.

In a nutshell, I will have moved 16 times by my 35th birthday.

1. Age 4: My parents moved into a house together with my grandparents. Moving distance: 30 km. I remember some of the night drives back and forth. I vomited during one of the drive. So that is this for “experience”.

2. Age 19: Moving out from my parents. Moving distance: 100 km (Eifel). I moved into a furnished room to start my vocational training - it was meant to be a temporary solution until I would find something better. Taking along only what was fitting in a Volkswagen Polo (manufactured 1991).

3. Age 20: Moving from this room into the children’s room of my “just met” boyfriend since the temporary solution turned out to be terminated—moving distance: 20 km. Taking along what fitted into the Polo.

4. Age 20: Moving into my first “1-room apartment” (it barely qualified for that). Moving distance: 10 km. First time acquiring some furniture items and a washing machine. Bf was partially moving in, too - he started his training in the German army, so we would see each other weekends only.

5. Age 21: Moving into a better 1-room apartment together with my bf (still weekends only). Moving distance: 1.5 km. Done by multiple car drives with the combi of my bf’s dad.

6. Age 22: Partial move to Karlsruhe for my new job as a consultant. Moving distance: 250 km. Taking only what would fit into my Volkwsagen Golf to move in a furnished room in a shared flat. We planned to keep the flat with my bf to meet there during weekends. We eventually broke up 2 months later which led to me and my parents taking all my stuff (out of the flat and storing it at my parents’).

7. Age 22: Moving into an unfurnished room in a shared flat. Moving distance: 2 km. Moved my stored furniture from my parents to Karlsruhe with my dad’s trailer.

8. Age 23: Moving into my own unfurnished 2-room flat. Moving distance: 2 km. Moved my belongings by car + my dad’s trailer. Acquired some new furniture. Fun fact: My parents would unpack most of my stuff since I had to go on a business trip. The weeks afterwards were full of: “Mum, where did you put this?!”

   

9. Age 25: Temporary move-in with Sven. Moving distance: 30 km. After the “burned-child” trauma from my way too quick move-in with my previous bf, I had now finally agreed to move together with Sven (my man for life, if you are new here). But timing of terminating two flats + renting a new one is always tricky. So I ended up selling most of my furniture, driving some to my parent’s and moving the further boxes temporarily to Sven’s place.

10. Age 25: Unfurnished 3-room apartment in Karlsruhe with Sven (aka the place we just moved from). Moving distance: 30 km. Sven hired a moving company for transport. We combined our belongings, mainly took his furniture and purchased some new over the years.

11. Age 31: Unfurnished room in a shared flat in Sweden to start my master's studies. Moving distance: 1.250 km. We moved some belongings (still good that we had some duplicate items stored in our basement) by two car drives. Bought some IKEA furniture.

12. Age 32: Move into a different shared flat in Sweden. Furnished. Moving distance: 5 km. We were kicked out of the shared flat. I had to find a new spot quickly and only temporarly due to an upcoming exchange to Svalbard and had to sell my furniture again.

13. Age 32: Moving my belongings from Sweden back to Karlsruhe. Moving distance: 1.250 km. Everything needed to fit into my BMW MINI (including Molly and my bike). It was hilarious.

14. Age 32: Moving into a student housing in Svalbard. Moving distance: 3.200 km. Any belongings needed to fit into a piece of check-in luggage and a piece of hand luggage.

15. Age 33: Moving my belongings back to Karlsruhe. Moving distance: 3.200 km. Any belongings needed to fit into a piece of check-in luggage and a piece of hand luggage.

16. Age 34: Moving our life from Karlsruhe to Denmark. Moving distance: 1.000 km. Hired a moving company. Having my dad on board to help us.

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It is not a new chapter. It’s a new book.

When does a story plot become a whole new book of a series instead of a new chapter?

When does a TV series get a new season instead of a new episode?

There are probably strategic elements like word count (or minutes) that indicate breaking points. But then contextual elements qualify for those breaking points to allow for closure or an arc of suspense.

Some transitions might feel more like “glad it’s over, now on to the next”. This can still relate to chapters and whole books.

This week, I spoke to a friend about all the emotions during this final moving phase. She told me that times of change can feel like wanting to re-read the last sentence of a chapter again and again since you are not ready for the next yet.

I love her for this beautiful phrasing. Still, this never happens to me at the end of a chapter (there are usually arcs of suspense there). It happens to me at the end of a book. Or the end of a TV season. Of course, in the case of series, there are usually arcs of suspense. But we also know that there will be more substantial changes in the plot, and we are uncertain about how they will go and if we will like them!

And since we are talking heart & soul and not rational content, I think my emotions sufficiently tell me that this transition is a whole damn new book.

So, let’s grab a coffee and see which emotions are desperately waiting to receive a little compassion and appreciation.

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I identified three prevailing emotions:

• Fear (of the unknown)

• Melancholy (about the known)

• Excitement (about the unknown)

And writing this article helped me unpack 7 reasons that make this move hit differently (and hence qualifying for a whole damn new book rather than a chapter).

1. Last chapter vibes and point of no return

Mid-story, we are fully entrenched in narratives. We follow the characters, their decisions and their pathways. It is only in the concluding chapter that we actually start reflecting on the story. And how we LIKED this book, series or movie. It does not have to be a conscious act. Emotions appear automatically. Of course, we know it is coming, but we don’t care too much.

This move feels similar. All the decisions of the pasts months and even years were leading towards a major transition in our life. We would not live in this flat or Karlsruhe forever. It got more apparent that the next move would involve some big move vibes. And as

Shanjitha

beautifully phrased it: “The anxiety and thoughts around making a big move, they surge at the very end.”

And it is not only anxiety. It is also melancholy. Like remembering all the good times. All the beloved places, familiar people. Activities. Routines. And we instantly start to either be excited to discover all these new things or fear that we might not enjoy what we find.

The rational and reasonable perspective is always that if things really don’t work out, you pivot, you shift, you might even return to something more familiar like before.

However, the emotional truth is: We crossed the point of no return.

There will never be a life like the one we lived before (there never is, but with such a big move, this becomes way more conscious). I realised this when I was sitting crying on the kitchen floor telling Sven that I am going to call our landlord and the university to cancel everything. Like full abort. Full restore of backup version. He looked at me (usually the one telling me: “If all goes wrong, we move back”): “You know that this is not an option? The flat is rented to someone else already. We terminated the contract.”

So yes, even we ignore the fact that my suggestion was totally driven by fear and overwhelm and also any costs and actual reason for this, one thing becomes clear: Our life would never be the same again. We would not be living in the same place. We would not get back the furniture we sold and things we donated or tossed out. And our life would not feel the same anymore. Since it is last chapter vibes. And you would not end a book just to restart a new one trying to be a … well … broken copy.

2. Uprooting the pack with a d-day

Looking at my moving inventory, most of the moves have been gradual changes and relocations. Like simply switching flats in between. Or even having more temporary second places to call home. So there was either stability in the familiar surroundings and job or there was stability in a somewhat fall-back solution/home. And it was kind of moving things in between places gradually.

This time, we move big. Like seriously big. Like never before big.

Like “there is our own version of the freaking “Great wall” of moving boxes sitting in our living room” big. And there is a d-day when our live and roots are literally uprooted by a moving company.

Everything led down to this day. The packing. The selling and giving away of items we don’t want to or can’t take. The saying goodbye to friends. Doing certain things for the last time. Things that used to be part of our day to day lives. All surging down to a single day.

Further, we never moved as a pack. It was either me moving and temporarily relocating or us moving in together from separate places. It is a mutual decision to move together. But there are emotions related to the fact that the primary reason for moving the entire pack is me. And so I had a late evening cry when I looked at Molly and felt like: “Oh my god, I am ripping her familiar cave apart! The only constant that remained in her life of partially relocating and separating the pack temporarly!” And a good friend helped me soothing: “But you are building her a cosy new cave!”

3. Storylines of the main characters

Any decision in a relationship affects both sides. When I took the job in Karlsruhe and my ex-bf and I wanted to keep the flat for the weekend (so nothing would have changed to for him externally), we broke up. Something was no longer working for us despite external storyline primarily changed for me (new job, new location, new people).

During my temporary relocations for my studies, Sven’s storyline around the people, environment and his job did not change. But I was not around anymore. Molly was not around anymore. Our life together - our shared storyline - got uprooted. And no matter what you plan for, no relationship is prepared for this. We survived. And it eventually made us stronger. But we had to face the fact that these years did not only lead to a plot wist in our shared storyline, but also diverting of our individual storylines with related challenges, dreams and fears.

So we knew that this move, this decision, would need to put an emphasis on our shared storyline, alongside space and nonjudgmental reflections for our individual pathways. There is a lot of excitement and love for this. But there is also fear related to both types of storylines.

My individual storyline: I am going to start a working (as full-time employee) for the first time in four years in a new country, a completely new work environment and subject, a fully new career pathway. A permanent position for the next 3 years. I will meet a lot of new people through my PhD studies.

Sven’s individual storyline: He will keep working in his permanent corporate job but from a new country. So he is not able to go to see his team-members anymore in person whenever he would love to (he was working mainly from home but with the option to go to a co-working space with some of his colleagues). He will work from home in Denmark.

Shared storyline: How will we shape our shared life around our two individual storylines? The first months will already be a first challenge of living apart while I am mainly settling into our new life alone and Sven being fully uprooted and living back with his parents in Germany to finalise admin tasks, renovating the flat and having to be around for some work related items.

4. New logistics

I said we won’t talk organisation and logistics today. Well, not on a rational level. There is A LOT to worry, doubt and fear around all the logistical and administrative things related to this move. Like the ones I wrote about here:

Revealing the rather withheld phase of moving abroad

Not all of them are solved yet, and they will take time.

Then there is the fear of moving your belongings across 1.000 km distance. I am very much aware of “we are way too attached to material things” notions. But we are talking feelings today. So yes, the things that “the Great Wall” is made up plus some of our furniture are familiar and dear things. They provide a sense of home. Safety. So it is kind of natural to worry about them. And here is what happens to while this newsletter is sent out:

• They got picked up by a moving company on Friday with a medium-sized truck.

• They got transshipped onto a big truck that drives the distance to Denmark.

• They will get reloaded again to a smaller truck in Denmark.

• They hopefully will arrive all safely at our new place tomorrow.

Things can break. Things can get stolen or lost. There can be an accident. There can be unforeseen circumstances (like the truck catching fire, falling off a bridge or being ripped apart by a tornado or something 🤣). I know that these things are not highly likely and we got insurance for some monetary reimburse. However, I still was not able to pack my two favourite plush toys from my childhood (that life a life in the back of my closet) into a moving box. Flippiline and Hoppel will have to move with us in the car. Even if this means I can only move them on Christmas. Fully irrational. Since of course, they could also burn during a fire wherever I keep them. But we are talking emotions, remember?

Meet Flippiline & Hoppel

5. The unknown

There is this great tension triangle between fear, melancholy and excitement. Actually, it is more like a fear and melancholy building an alliance against excitement. I could probably fill a post with each of the unknown elements. So I am just gonna list a few:

• Adapting to a new culture & societal system

• New language

• New place to life (small row house in a community living area)

• New people

• Keeping in touch with family and friends

• Everyday things like buying groceries, toiletries

• Medical system

• New activities / hobbies

Next, we have another battle field of fear vs. excitement: My PhD studies

• Switching from a corporate career to an academic one in research

• Academic culture

• Trust in my abilities

• Personal interactions with colleagues and supervisors

• Workload

• Joy, purpose and fulfilment

6. The WHY

I kind of new it in my heart, but writing this moving inventory, made me realise it crystal clear: I used to have a shared WHY for moving big(ger).

The intra-city/intra-region were all related to better flats or due to unforeseen circumstances needing to find something new.

Some people move further distances since they want to experience or fall in love with a city, country or region. Some people move because the type of property they want to life in is driving the decision. Others move for love or for being close to certain people.

I move for what I want to do in life.

All my bigger distance moves were related to what I do or want to be doing for work. I carefully phrase it as work and not job or career on purpose. My moves are driven by the interlink of curiosity and opportunity for what I want my life to be about.

• When I moved out from my parents

• When I moved for a consulting job in Karlsruhe

• When I started relocations for my master's studies

• This move for my PhD

But there is more. I never moved based on pure reasoning. I moved based on a gut feeling. And some of the forced moves were not fully aligned with my feelings.

I also did move for love - when I moved in with Sven.

And yes, Sven’s WHY with this move to Denmark is mainly because he loves me. I can’t argue with that.

But I move with love, too—not only for the things I love doing but also with who I want by my side. And that counts Sven in it. I would not have been able to make this move without Sven being on board.

I move for the love of this magical thing called living.

7. Emotional awareness

I am probably way more aware of my emotions, thoughts and related responses and behavioural patterns during this move. Which does not always make it easier after having lived a life mainly on the rational and functioning side.

However, it might be the key to making this adventure one of the best of my life. So, my dear fear, melancholy - and conflicting excitement: I see you all. I feel you all. I understand you all. And I still have some wrapping paper left and some moving boxes to give you space as long as you want to be around.

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Before I am going to share one more theme, I would just love to hear your thoughts and feedback on this article! I know a lot of you have commented or messaged me to write a little bit more about the unseen elements related to a move like this!

Thanks so much for reading and joining me along. I think you inspiring me to write this piece was kind of a little therapy session for my heart and soul, too ☺️

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A permanent (new) companion

I separated one theme in our individual and shared storylines from the list above.

It’s about a permanent companion that joined us 3 years ago.

Around the same time, I was about to start my master's studies in Sweden.

It adds a whole new layer to every aspect of our lives, and we are most likely still adapting to how to live with it—individually and as a couple.

But it is also deeply personal, which I don’t want my Substack or online writing to be about.

Then why mention it?

Because we decided to acknowledge it more in our life story. As a gentle reminder to deal more openly with it in our real lives. Which will hopefully make us even more stronger and resilient. And it might be visible in some of the pictures I share in the future. So I am proactively sharing what I am ready to share 😊

We got a different kind of matching tattoos last week:

I will publish a separate article shortly after this one. It will add a bit more context from my perspective. This is why I decided it would become the first piece I ever put behind a paywall.

Not to make you become paid. But for protecting the vulnerability of our private life behind. Don’t feel urged just to subscribe or upgrade because you are looking for all the details.

You won’t find them. It’s just a little bit more context to this article and “why this move hits differently”.

So well, there is always the perspective of “Going after your dreams because of your blessing”.

But there is also the perspective of “Going after your dreams despite the odds”.

And there are equal parts for both sides in most big stories.

I am leaving the comments open since I want you to be able to engage with this post overall. However, I would kindly ask you not to ask any further details about this last section.

Hug,